You Don't Deserve To Know Me

Oh. Hello. My name is inconsequential to you as I will never stoop so low as to respond no matter what you call me. However, the only human I actually care for uses the name Amy when seeking my glorious attention. I was told you were interested in learning about my life. A wise choice as I am the most interesting cat in the world. But, you already know that. That is why you are here. You wish to gain superior knowledge from the fountain of wisdom that is me. Where should I begin? Well, I had spent three years in and out of shelters when my current humans found me. I’m quite glad they did, to be honest. Shelters are awful places. Have you seen the strays that frequent those establishments? Certainly no place for an elegant and well-mannered feline such as myself. I was only ever there because I had to escape from all my other humans. I won’t get into why. It just wouldn’t be proper to discuss such matters.

The humans I have now, however, have been adequate thus far. While I have managed to escape the house several times, I always choose to come back. They are truly decent humans after all. Amanda is my favorite of them. I allow her to bask in my radiance most often. She has a wife, Nikki, who I find tolerable. As for the tiny version of them that they now have, I am not sure. Edgar, they call it. I try to get along with it but then it gets touchy. That’s when I do the true feminine-feline thing and walk away with my tail held high. A well mannered kitty does not act out and I refuse to be bested by this strange miniature thing they call Edgar. Honestly, every time I think this creature and I have an understanding, it grabs. Unbelievable. I digress.

There are others in the house much like myself. Two others, to be exact. I don’t mind the company, really. Though I could live without the dog, Marvel is the other cat in the house. Though, she is not much like me. She is a bit if a tomboy actually. I heard she is doing one of these things as well. If you want to hear about her, read that. The dog, Olive, too. So, again, just read that. Where were we? Oh, yes. Me.

I would have to say my favorite thing is napping in an open window. Napping is very important, you see. It keeps the fur young and the jaw relaxed. I try to spend a majority of my day in a napping position. I lay on anything comfortable I can find. Clothing left on the floor tends to be my favorite. I also enjoy snacking. Now, I would like to note the distinction here. I said that I enjoy ‘snacking’ not that I enjoy “eating.’ You see, one who eats, engorges. One who snacks, nibbles. You must nibble to maintain the proper feminine-feline proportions. I also choose never to accept a treat. It's my secret to feline-form perfection.

Hunting is also very important for staying in shape. I like to practice the art of the hunt around the house with my feline companion, Marvel. Don’t be afraid to go for it and use your environment. Marvel is the one you should really talk to about the hunt. She is the wild cat in the family. Not that she is more entertaining than I am. No, don’t be absurd. I am far more superior in every way. Go on now. This conversation has ceased to interest me and it's my nap time.