When You Lose a Pet
Learning to navigate the world without your furry companion by your side
Learning to navigate the world without Belle
11/12/2006-11/11/2016
Written Dec 16th, 2016
I remember it was like it was yesterday. The day I lost my beautiful PomChi Belle to heart failure.
The last few years I’ve cried myself to sleep on and off feeling completely heartbroken and lost. I look around and know that a part of my heart is missing. The piece of my heart that I gave to Belle. We shared laughter, and we shared tears. We’ve been through every storm and came back unscathed. Her little paws on my heart were frequent when I felt sad. She just knew when she needed to comfort me, to be my little warrior. Little did I know that I would have to be her warrior.
Depression swept through me. I wanted out. To get away from this world... but she was this constant reminder that I had to keep fighting. To stick around even when I was being swept away. I still cried. The depression never waned. It faded and I could smile again knowing my best friend was by my side. She gave me a reason to get up every morning, to face the day, to continue to work even when I didn’t want to be there.
Her love was as it should be, always unconditional. She never asked for anything more than to keep her safe with a roof over her head, belly rubs, and food in her belly. She gave me her paw in my times of need. Because of her I wanted to give more, love more, try to be good- a decent human. I failed sometimes. I left others angry. Even when they left Belle stayed by my side forgiving all my flaws.
I wake up now without her paw on my heart, her warm snuggles. I remember she would lick me when she was happy, wag her tail, and jump up to be held. She was kind to most of humankind when I didn’t want to be. She loved on children on our walks and park visits. She made me see the world through different eyes.
Without her, I am lost. A former shell of myself. I try to love Nyssa and Kenzi in the only way that I know how to. They give me their hearts but my heart feels empty. With her passing she took that part of my heart. Suddenly, I feel as if my world is caving in on me. How do you go on? How do I fight through this pain? This immeasurably sadness?
I go to work without her. I long to hear her bark, to kiss my face, and hold her close to me when the world around me is in chaos. I want so much to howl with her again. To laugh at her silly antics. I want to feel the joy the young children felt when she touched their lives. They would smile and they would laugh as she nuzzled up against them, crawling into their laps. Their parents would smile as their children gave Belle all of their attention.
My coworkers loved her too. Belle was a tiny spitfire. She didn’t love getting her nails clipped. She even tried to nip at them but they loved her anyways. They laughed as this tiny creature licked them to death even after getting her nails clipped. They howled with her. They felt her unconditional love. Now they feel my pain.
I try to smile through my tears, to remember everything she left me with. It keeps my heart going, even when I want it to stop. I want out of this pain. I don’t know how to do this life without her. I thought we had more time. But the truth is you just never know how much time is left in your life and your pets life.
I listen to music often to try to remind myself that life doesn’t always turn out the way that you planned. I want to be okay. I want to be strong but I’m scared that I might fail. That I might fall off the cliff. What if... the pain is too much and I can’t handle it? Where do I go? There is no getting “over” her death. It’s not that easy.
About the Creator
Jade Kelly
Writer, lover of all things creative- poetry, music, movies, dogs, friends, Netflix, books, etc.
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