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Three Ways To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting Your Demise

Satire. Warning: Violence by cute, fuzzy creatures.

We all know cats are highly intelligent creatures. Sometimes they are too smart for their own good. We also know that they are extremely independent, which is why they are such a popular pet choice. Cats do fine on their own; they only tolerate their owners. An owner allows them to get cuddles and gives them food that lets them be lazy (hunting for your meal is hard work).

Even a lazy cat can be planning world domination or at least domination over its human owner. If you don’t think that your cat has evil intentions when it comes to your health and well-being, think again. These three tips on how to tell if your cat is out to get you will prove to you that your cat is evil and wants you dead.

They Are Always Sleeping On You

Your cat isn’t sleeping on top of you to stay warm; there are rays of sunshine through the windows and heating vents for that. They aren’t lounging on you for comfort. They are sleeping on top of you for sinister reasons, and that is all.

Remember in the last few years when all of those articles about sitting being as bad as smoking spread across the internet? Cats already know that human laziness is terrible for a person’s health. Your cat is sitting on you to keep you on your butt so that you contract heart disease and die. Yes, your cute, fuzzy little bundle of fur is trying to kill you.

If your cat is trying to kill you by sitting on you or sleeping on you, they don’t mind waiting for a slow death. It’s the next type of cat for which you need to watch out.

They Trip You, Often

If it seems like your cat is trying to trip you every time you turn around, it means they want you dead. This type of cat isn’t willing to bide their time; they want you dead now, or as soon as possible.

Some cats are far better at this business of tripping than others. While you may get lucky and have your cat trip you in the living room, where you might fall on the floor or the couch, some cats trip in less safe areas. If your cat likes to trip you in the kitchen when you’re cooking, or on or near the stairs, they seriously have it out for you. Hey, if you fall into the stove and start on fire, they’ll get a nice cooked meal. Wait, more on that in a moment.

The big question is, why is your cat trying to kill you? What do they have to gain by having you dead?

They Like To Lick Or Bite You

One of the things they gain is a large, tasty meal. Ever wondered why your cat is always licking your hand or nipping at you? They’re getting a taste of their future meal.

Who’s going to believe a cute and innocent little cat killed you? That’s right; no one will. Then they’ll go to live in a new home where they can start working on killing their next family. And this is how cats plan to take over the world, one household at a time.

Does Your Cat Have Other Tricks For Your Demise?

Dander causing allergic reactions and sticking their stinking butts in your face are a couple of the other tricks cats use to try to kill their owner. If your cat has been exhibiting any of the above behaviors you better start watching your back. Make sure your cat has plenty of toys and catnip to keep them distracted and disorientated, and you just might survive!

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