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I love my dogs more than I love most humans. I love most dogs more than I even like most humans. I choose my dogs' happiness, a lot of the time, over my own pleasure, contentment, comfort, money, or sex life. I do weird things. So does my boyfriend. We thought we were the only weirdos with dogs, but the longer we have these creatures in our lives, the more crazy weird dog people we meet and the more we realise we are part of a wonderful, strange community of people that do the exact same weird things as us.
This is my favourite topic I've EVER been given to write about! So, without further ado, things all dog owners do:
- Said “Oh he can probably smell my dog on me" to someone with a dog as if to assert that you are more than fine with their dog jumping on you. You’re a super cool dog owner, too. It’s chill.
- Given up on having nice things after growing used to hair, mud, and general dog debris all over your house.
- Grown so accustomed to dog hair on every item of clothing you own that you’re genuinely shocked when something isn’t hairy and feel super smart.
- Forgotten a poo bag and pretended to be looking for one for ages while people walk past.
- Silently disagreed when someone claims they have the cutest dog in the world.
- Said “If you can understand me, give me a sign.”
- Attempted to get your dog to admit they can actually talk and that you won’t tell anyone.
- Created a special voice specifically for your dog.
- Asked your dog "What’s wrong?" as though they might actually tell you.
- Gone to the vet for absolutely nothing and been charged more than you earn in a month.
- Lost your temper and immediately feel like Satan and start begging your dog for forgiveness.
- Stuck your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
- Talk about them as if they are your child, to your friends that have children, while they discuss their children… “Oh yes, Fang does that too.”
- Created ridiculous versions of their names. For example, we have Frankie who is also Frankenstein, Franklin Roosevelt, Shamaloska, Frankenshark, Laurence Cheeseman, Lorenzo Chedderfoot (don’t ask) and Fang who is also Shubert, Piggy, Piggle, The pig, Fang pug, licky pig, slumpy, cliptapus, pigtapus brown, and so on and so forth.
- Make up songs about your dog/insert their names into songs that already exist.
- Wonder if they actually love you… or even like you?
- Wish they knew how much you loved them.
- Take 38297897429 pictures of them asleep in the same position they sleep in everyday because OMG how cute is that? And then send said pictures to everyone in your phone/upload to all social media. Repeat every day forever.
- Pretend to faint/die to see what they would do. Side note: My pug got super distressed when I died and started crying and scratching my head to get me to wake up. My English Bull Terrier didn’t care. The reverse reactions happened when my partner tried it.
- Feel offended when people in the park comment on other people's dogs' behaviour/good looks and not yours. Well, fuck you, too!
- Flip their ears inside out to see how it looks.
- Let them lick your face. Don’t lie. We have all done it.
- Given into the sad eyes on more than one occasion.
- Feel instantly connected to someone that owns the same breed as you.
- Show your dog the mirror and say "That’s you."
- Avoid moving because your dog is asleep on you even though you have shit to do.
- Greet your dog before you greet any human person.
- Feel the anticipation of coming home as you walk up to the house because you know there's a fur baby in there that is never mad at you and is always super excited to see you.
- Debate whether you should clean up that food you dropped or just let the living bins clean it up for you.
- Say that "He was with his friend today" every time he sees a dog he’s met once, in the park.
- Told them that you’ll be back soon, so not to worry, every time you leave the house as if it will alleviate the separation anxiety (for both of you).
- Wondered what they would sound like if they had a human voice.
- Said "it’s like having a child" as though owning a dog fills you with some sort of wisdom and strength that makes you slightly above people without a dog.
- Confided in them when you’ve had a shitty day.
- Call them your baby forever. Because they are. They never grow up and leave home, and that’s the best thing about them.