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The Day My Cats Hijacked the Computer

It was less than a purrfect situation when the Meow Mafia showed up in my office!

My four whiskerlicking cats like to hang out in my upstairs office. One afternoon, having finished my paperwork, I took my Westie, Brandi, out for a walk. Leaving the computer on and shutting the door behind me, I went downstairs and, with scruffy canine on her leash, started out of the house.

Well, I thought I'd shut the door behind me. Apparently, one of my Meow Mafia found that it didn't "catch" and pushed it open. This, of course, led to a wave of feline foragers infiltrating the room—and, with a blank Word document on the monitor, the temptation to check out my keyboard was too strong for them.

Finding all kinds of strange characters on that page when I returned, I could just imagine the four largest cats (Sugar, Gadget, Buddha, and K-Cat) seizing the chance to take over and express their opinions (either that, or trying to order cat food over E-Bay®!).

Buddha: Hey, guys, LOOK! Th' old man's left his writing thing on! Let's see if we c'n type somethin' like he does!

Sugar: Um… I dunno, man! Is that Brillo-backed excuse for a mutt around here?

Buddha: Naaaah! She's gone for a walk. (He looks puzzled at the keyboard) Hey—do any of y'all know how to work this thing?

Sugar: Awwww, move over, Friskie-face! I've seen th' old man use this, so it can't be that hard! Now… what to talk about? (He stops to think, then perks up his ears) I know! Hey, Gadget! How do ya spell "neutering"?

Gadget: O-U-C-H!! But why are ya writin' about that?? We oughtta tell them to send cat food or somethin'!

K-cat (entering the room with a scrunched-up nose): WHOOOOO-EEEEE!! Don't y'all go back to th' litter box for a few minutes, ya hear? It's a mite pungent! HEY!! You're on the ol' man's writin' thing!

Gadget: Yeah. Sugar's tellin' folks some stuff about fixin' cats.

K-cat: Why? Did one of us break or somethin'??

Buddha: Awww, get serious, Stinky! There's so many little kittens out there with no home, scroungin' outta trash cans and sick. Heck, I see 'em every time I'm up there in the man's kitchen window, catchin' some rays…

K-cat: Brother, you can't even catch a decent mouse! But I saw 'em, too—and grown humans can't take care of all of 'em! There's just too many.

Sugar: D-UH! That's why I'm writin' this, dude! See, folks've gotta remember to get their pets fixed so it won't be like that.

Gadget: Yeah. The man. Took us to that vetur... that vetra... that doctor up the street, remember? It don't cost a lot, and it didn't hurt us!

Buddha: Hmph! Speak for yourself, specs! I couldn't scratch myself for weeks! But you're right. I mean, about the—whatcha call it? Nootering? An', 'sides that, the humans oughtta watch out for their pets. Sometimes, when they get out, they could get dead by one o' them big things the man calls "cars." Or by big, mean dogs or somethin'!

K-Cat: Yeahhhh! Well, 'cept BRANNN-deeeee! That mutt can't even catch her own tail! (All the cats begin to laugh as K-Cat continues.) Anyway, why don'tcha write about that new thing on the magic picture box that the man likes to watch? I think it's called the Dog Whisperer, or something.

Gadget: Oh, yeah! It's where that man—what's his name? Ummmm, Cesar Milan, an' he shows how to train (hee!hee!) dogs! It's on that Aminal Planet TV channel.

Buddha: Hmph! Hasn't done much for that overgrown flea-flicker that lives here, has it?? Ya notice they never haveta do that with us?? Shoot—just give us a little room, some good food and water, and we're good to go!

K-cat: And please—after what I been through: don't forget a clean litter box!

Gadget: But the human Cesar takes the dogs, an' makes 'em learn to do something called heel, and be good, not bite… you know, stuff like that.

Sugar: Yeah—and didja know that when doggies are fixed, sometimes they're easier to train? An' it doesn't cost a bunch of those green papers humans call money, either!

K-Cat: Cool! Hey, while you're on that thingy, see if the ol' man got any o'that HE-mail he talks about. Mebbe somebody's got a purty girl cat!

Gadget (anxiously guarding the door): NO TIME!! Hurry—the ol' man's just come in the back door!

So they all take off like a flash, knocking off the keyboard, turning over the chair—and leaving a mess on the desktop!

Not to mention in the litter-box....

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