My Dog Will Always Be the Third Spoon

It was July 29th, 2015 when my whole word changed. I was running late for work, exhausted from the depression that had taken over me and rushing to a job that made me miserable. I was fuming over my latest argument with my fiancé, James. A classic "cover up" argument where we are arguing about the dishes but really we were getting married on our first year anniversary in just a few days. Things kept getting hostile as the day drew closer. We both hoped the other would call it off and neither wanted to admit to failure. Me coming out of a physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationship jumped at the opportunity to be head over heels in love with someone safe. James, coming out of his own baggage, jumped at the chance to finally live happily ever after. We didn't listen to the warnings, we were stubborn and now we were facing the reality of the decision we made.

"There are moments that mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two moments: before this and after this."

I was walking towards my job when I was stopped dead in my tracks by a wagon full of homeless puppies. This led to a couple who handed me a brown, 3.5 week old German Shepherd Pitbull Mix puppy and entrusted me with his life. This was the moment that has changed my life forever. When I look back at the journey of self-love I've been on, this is the catalyst. This is the moment that I am overtaken by that beautiful little scrunched up face that I instantly fell in love with.

Later that night.

"Time for you to got to your box, boy." It was the end of the night, I had brought my puppy home and James noticed I was drifting to sleep with Starlord, the little brown boy on my chest. At this point Starlord and I had been through his first feeding, first potty break, his first trip to PetSmart and had become instantly inseparable.

I shot up with the boy clutched to my chest within seconds. "Have you lost your mind? You can see he's clearly sleeping with me." I replied in a growl. By this point both me and Starlord had both taken baths and his new puppy smell was restored from the skunk smell he had earlier that day. It made no sense to me why James wanted to kick the boy out of the bed. I was exhausted, frustrated and wanted to be left alone.

"No, he's not. He can sleep in the box Grandma made for him at the foot of the bed. I would like to have the bed alone with my wife." James was beyond upset. I wanted the puppy to sleep with me, on my bed, every night. It was something I had dreamt of since I was a little girl. I tried to sympathize with him for a second by putting myself in his shoes. I understood his plea as a need for quality time and I almost gave in. I quickly realized what was happening: James was just using this "selling point" as a way to use my own words against me. As of recently I had been begging for alone time, I was starting to feel like strangers and he knew it was the best shot he had. Good try, James. I thought to myself.

*"Self advocacy is the ability to say what you need, want and hope for in life. It is the courage to express how you feel in constructive ways."

Before this moment, I had allowed what others wanted to be more important than my needs. I learned quickly with Joshua, my abusive ex, that my opinions, wants, and needs came second to his. I carried this detrimental ideal into my relationship with James, always putting his needs before mine. This night was different now that I had this Little Boy who needed me as much as I needed him. For the first time since before Joshua, I wasn't going to compromise on what I wanted, what I needed and what I had hope for. Starlord came to me in the throws of a depressive episode. I was no longer living life I was simply, alive. I had no passion, no desire, and no want to change the emptiness I felt inside. I decided, after I left Joshua, that so long as I was no longer being tortured I didn't need to strive for the unattainable happiness. I could be content so long as I was safe.

Love is always the answer.

From the moment I saw Starlord in the hands of his first human parents I felt emotions I never felt before. I cried because I was elated and I allowed myself to love him with all my heart—no fear of abandonment—from the very start. I knew that me and Starlord would never again live a moment without each other. I knew that we would grow in unconditional love and understanding. I knew that I would do anything for him and him for me. I knew I was no longer alone and lonely and would never be again. The bond we share was beyond all human insecurity and for the first time I just let go.

Just go with the momentum.

There was no way I was letting anyone get in the way of such a love. I knew I had to put my foot down, no matter what, because Starlord and I were worth it. I needed him and he, away from his mother who was no longer producing milk, needed me.

"I am sorry but he's sleeping with me. If you don't want to sleep in the bed with him then you don't have to sleep with us. He will be sleeping with me now and forever, even when he's fully grown." Me and Starlord then settled back in to bed; him on my chest and the box Grandma made him at the foot of the bed. James didn't come to bed until a few hours later. We would marry and divorce within a year. Me and Starlord still sleep together, two years later.

July 29, 2015 was the first day of a journey that has brought me and Starlord to a mutual place of respect and self love. He has taught me the freedom, love and respect that self advocacy can bring all of us.

How can we self advocate?

1. Stand up for yourself and what is important to you regardless of what others feel.
2. Advocate for your feelings, advocate for your body, advocate for your beliefs.
3. Love yourself. Loving yourself is synonymous with advocating for your needs. Once you start it'll become more like second nature.
4. Always put yourself first. Understand that YOU are important, your opinions and feelings matter. Respect your needs the way you've respected other's needs previously.
5. You were born to express your feelings and ideas with the world! We sometimes incorrectly learn that we shouldn't. Get back to expressing yourself even in the smallest ways so that you can remember how good it feels.

"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened." -Anatole France

Namaste,

Luisa & Starlord 🐾

IG: @thegirlwiththedogtattoo

*(Source)