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Most Expensive Dog Collars You Can Buy Your Pooch

Big spender getting the most expensive dog collars? Make a charitable donation so you're not the worst!

If you wanted to you could spend hundreds and even millions on the most expensive dog collars. If you actually have that want then you're an irredeemably bad person. We're willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, which is one of the perks of being rich, by offering you a list of charities that you can donate to. That way you can live a lavish lifestyle with your labradoodle instead of descending to the deepest level of depravity. 

Amour Amour Diamond Collar – $3.2 million

The Amour Amour Diamond Collar is so expensive that it has its own Wikipedia page. At 3.2 million dollars, owning this collar merits that its owner be arrested and have all their funds confiscated because they're clearly not of sound mind. Soundness of mind in this case is determined by one's ability to have empathy for others.

3.2 million dollars makes this one of the most expensive dog collars. That money would go a long way if it was donated to the National Bail Fund Network, which provides bail for inmates who can't afford bail, potentially preventing a repeat of the gut-wrenching and utterly heartbreaking story of Kalief Browder. Although, maybe this collar just sits in a museum where people gawk at it. That's acceptable. But if it sits in your house, then make a big donation ASAP!

Amour de la Mer – $899,000

Amour de la Mer. "Love of the Sea." You love the Sea? How about making a donation to the Center for International Environmental Law, who are fighting hard to protect the sea you love from coming right to your doorstep and giving you a hug. You won't want a hug from the sea because that's what drowning is! But that's what's coming if we do nothing about climate change. 

You may be fine if you can spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on the most expensive dog collars, but the world's marginalized populations won't be fine—they're already being affected by climate change. There's a chance you don't care about marginalized groups given your expensive tastes, but just know that when the world turns into The Road, the scavengers will come for you too. And they won't care about your money or expensive dog collars.

La Jeune Tulipe Diamond Dog Pet Collar – $150,000

The La Jeune Tulipe Diamond Dog Pet Collar is currently $150,000.00 at the Posh Puppy Boutique, making it one of the most expensive dog collars around. Anyone who buys the La Jeune Tulipe Diamond Dog Pet Collar from the Posh Puppy Boutique is actually getting catfished. A Chris Hanson type figure arrives at the customer's door but instead of catching them in the act of soliciting sex from a minor, this person is caught in the act of being okay with unspeakable human suffering.

$150,000.00 could go a long toward providing aid in the wake of Hurricane Maria for inhabitants of Puerto Rico or the U.S. Virgin Islands, who are being ignored by President Sex Criminal's administration. Although, if you're spending this much on dog collars maybe you're happy to read about the 10 things Trump has undone because those are just more opportunities for you to make money at everyone else's expense. 

Couture Futuristic Royal Harness Dress – $6,600

The Posh Puppy Boutique also sells a Royal Harness Dress that looks like something a Hollywood starlet would wear on the red carpet. It includes one of the most expensive dog collars around! Fun fact: for every one of these dresses purchased, the Posh Puppy Boutique should make a matching donation to The National Network of Abortion Funds (NNAF).

The NNAF provides logistics and funding for women in need of abortions who are unable to afford them and live in areas where abortions are hard to access. The NNAF provides an indispensable service in the face of a nation that seeks to control female bodies at every opportunity; the Posh Puppy Boutique provides bad people with the opportunity to be even worse people.

Garrard: Heart of the Kingdom Ruby – $14 million

If you're buying your dog super expensive collars maybe you want to buy yourself something super expensive too. DON'T! Technically, Garrard's Heart of the Kingdom Ruby is for people, but you can put it on a dog to turn it into one of the most expensive dog collars around. That's a heart-shaped Burma ruby surrounded by over 150 diamonds. You can wear it to a grand ball, but you'll have to donate several million dollars to the Fistula Foundation first. 

Simply put, an obstetric fistula is a hole that occurs during difficult births. They're between the vagina and the woman's bladder, or the vagina and the woman's rectum. Either case, the fistula causes permanent incontinence, which wreaks havoc in the life of the woman. Fistulas can be corrected with surgeries, and a donation to the Fistula Foundation can fund such a life-altering surgery. Or you can enjoy your Heart of the Kingdom Ruby, which would put you on par with Cobra Commander or Skeletor. Yeah, we have to reach into cartoons to match your villainy!

Dean and Tyler Spiked Dog Collars – $400

These Dean and Tyler spiked dog collars will cost you four C-notes, making them one of the most expensive dog collars. 4 C-notes can go a long way toward corrective surgery for a cleft lip or cleft palate! So if you're going to be buying one of these collars, send some money to Rotaplast. Sure, these aren't as pricey as the Amour Amour Diamond Collar. Maybe you just make a couple hundred thousand dollars a year and want a somewhat expensive dog collar just to show off that you have money to throw around because you have a hole in your heart that cannot be filled with any other form of escape. Sex, drugs, alcohol, big game hunting; none of them work! Try giving to Rotaplast. Changing someone's life is a real rush!

Big Dog Chains Caesar XL Large Dog Collar – $349.99

This is one of the most expensive dog collars and it's not even jewel-encrusted! Make a donation to RAINN, the Rape Abuse, and Incest National Network to counteract your complicity in perpetuating things boys learn by age 5 that perpetuate rape culture. How do I know you're complicit? Because you're spending $350 on dog jewelry! 

Olivia Riegel Dog Accessories – $199 to $225.50

Compared to the offerings from the Posh Puppy Boutique, these Olivia Riegel dog accessories are a steal! They're still among the most expensive dog collars, but you're not as bad of a person if you buy one of these. To offset this purchase, make a donation to the Sylvia Rivera Law Project, an NYC-based legal aid org that works with transgender, intersex, and/or gender non-conforming low-income people and people of color. 

D.T. Systems R.A.P.T. 1450 Remote Dog Trainer – $217

Wow! You want to pay $217 to shock your dogs? This collar isn't even one of the most expensive dog collars because it's made of precious jewels or metals; it's made of pain. You should make a donation to Campaign Zero, the legislative project to eliminate systemic racism and police brutality. Then throw out your shock collar because you don't need that to train a dog. As evidence, take all the dogs who didn't get their necks cooked to learn how to roll over. 

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