Hippos: Giant Chubby Death Machines

It should come as no surprise to any fan of African wildlife: the hippopotamus remains one of the deadliest land-based animals. This giant semi-aquatic creature defends its territory ruthlessly, and many safari experts warn to keep distance and never get into the water near a hippo. Often described as ‘the most dangerous animal in all of Africa,’ the massive beast reported as being surprisingly agile with various speeds of 14-20+ mph, meaning it will chase you down, and it will nom on you.

Weighing in at up to four tons (depending on the subspecies) or approximately two mid-sized sedans, messing with these creatures is obviously a terrible idea. The head alone makes up approximately a third of its total body weight. Its jaw can produce forces of up to 1,800 psi, which is more than enough to snap your femur in two twice over, not to mention what it can do just by sitting on you with its colossal mass. So, it should not come as a shock that these creatures kill a lot of people every year, from tourists to natives to experts who got too close. After all, it is supposedly the most dangerous.

The Death Toll

How many people do these creatures actually kill each year? I wanted to know. It is the whole reason why I looked into this in the first place. My coworker wanted to know too, so I did what any millennial would do: I Googled it. But I was faced with a disappointing resolution to my quest.

After scouring the web, I found various statistics ranging from 500 to up to 3,000 casualties a year. There is the answer. Yeah, you would think that there would be a more concise estimate given the large popularity of these creatures, but no one seems to have tracked it precisely. Determined to get to the bottom of it to satisfy my own curiosity, I looked this up for well over two hours, because dang it I want to know the specifics, but struggled finding a consistent source. My research showed that older articles dating over five years ago place the number at around 2,500 to 3,000 deaths a year, compared to newer articles which describe the death toll at an estimated 500 deaths a year. I even found an article in the past week about a Chinese tourist and a Kenyan fisherman that recently succumbed to the creature, but no specific scientific consensus.

Why the variance?

1. The hippo population in Africa has dwindled from about 160,000 from the late 90s to between 115,000 and 130,000 according to estimates from the World Conservation Union in 2017
2. Public awareness about the hippopotamus has grown with articles and news stories about the dangers of the animal
3. Civil unrest and wars over the past decade in African nations have caused hippos to end up in the crossfire, being driven from their land
4. The ever-problematic threat of poaching and the market for hippo tusks as an ivory replacement

While there are no conclusive elements to determine the wide range of hippo reported deaths, we can trust that the animal is still just as dangerous as ever, even with lovable plushies and the large-scale fascination of the creatures. It is madness to think that we have precise numbers on how many people die from vending machines but not the world’s chubby death machine, but until a wide scale study is done, the hippopotamus’s true effect remains a mystery. Still, fighting one is ill-advised.